why won't my husband stop smoking even though he knows it bothers me? he knows it puts a strain on our relationship but he still does it. he promises to stop but then after a few months, he does it again. whenever he picks up the habit again it starts slowly, and then he falls right back into it. I am so frustrated to the point of having a headache because I am tired of repeating the same thing repeatedly. It always feels like a betrayal every time he starts smoking again because I put my trust in his words when he says he understands the strain his smoking has on our relationship. Whenever I find out that he has smoked, my mood changes. Then our day gets ruined then I start feeling guilty or responsible for the ominous atmosphere that has been created. But I can't accept this bad habit. He sees the strain it has on our relationship but I don't know why he just won't make up his mind. I wish he would just stop making promises that he can't keep. He could just tell me that he can't quit smoking just because it bothers me and that if he is ever to quit someday it will come from him. And he won't be quitting just because of me.

7 specialists answered

Hello,

As a therapist it seems that your husband is enjoying his addiction to smoking and that this is not a problem to him. I would then be working with you to reduce the strong emotions you are feeling towards his behavior and maybe thereby make the situation more bearable.

My approach based on brief systemic therapy would entail in the following steps:
I would first asses the relationship as a hole and see what other challenges this one might face to broaden the discussions.
One question useful in this persepective would be : what problems would still be there in the relationship if there wasn't the smoking pr...oblem?

Then I would encourage you to test not reacting to his smoking habits for the time you think it is feasable and observe what changes in your relationship. This will create a new context for the relationship to flourish but it will also be very difficult to put in practice.

I hope this helps,
Best Regards,
Frederik Read more

Frederik Haspeslagh
Psychologist

Woluwe-Saint-Lambert
welcome to the systemic and interactionnal approch of Palo Alto, which I'm practising. It's a strategic approach and I love the situation you're describing...because the method is tailor made for that type of interactional problem you are describing.

Johanna Touzel
Psychotherapist

Brussels
The reason to stop smoking must can from him to have good results. Thanks!

Luz Granados Londoño
Psychologist

Uccle
It's clear that this situation is causing significant distress for both you and your husband, and it's understandable that you would feel frustrated and betrayed by the cycle of promises and relapses. Here are some points that might help in addressing the question and providing support:

Understanding Addiction: Smoking is a powerful addiction, primarily due to nicotine, which is a highly addictive substance. It's important to recognize that quitting smoking is often not just a matter of willpower. The physical and psychological aspects of nicotine addiction can make it extremely difficult for someone to stop smoking, even... if they have strong personal reasons to do so.
The Cycle of Change: Change, especially when it comes to addictive behaviors, is rarely a straight path. The Transtheoretical Model of Change outlines stages that individuals go through when changing behavior, including precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse. Relapse is a common part of the process and doesn't mean that progress hasn't been made or that future attempts will be unsuccessful.
Personal Motivation: For change to be sustainable, it often needs to come from a personal desire to change rather than external pressure. While your husband understands the strain smoking puts on your relationship, his motivation to quit needs to be internally driven for a greater chance of success.
Communication: It's important to communicate your feelings without blame or guilt. Expressing how his smoking affects you and your relationship is valid, but it should be done in a way that is non-confrontational and from a place of concern and support.
Support Systems: Quitting smoking is more successful with a strong support system. This can include counseling, support groups, or smoking cessation programs. Encourage your husband to seek out these resources and offer to support him in this process.
Managing Expectations: It's crucial to manage your expectations regarding his quitting process. Understand that relapses can and do happen, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or your relationship. It's a reflection of the difficulty of overcoming addiction.
Self-Care: It's also important for you to take care of yourself. The stress of dealing with a partner's addiction can be overwhelming, and you may benefit from support as well, whether that's through therapy, support groups for loved ones of those with addiction, or simply ensuring you have your own space and activities that help you manage stress.
Boundaries: It's okay to set boundaries around smoking, such as not smoking in the house or car, to protect your own well-being. Boundaries are not about controlling the other person's behavior but about taking care of yourself.
Professional Help: Encourage your husband to seek professional help. This could be a doctor, a therapist, or a smoking cessation specialist who can provide him with strategies to quit smoking and to deal with the psychological aspects of addiction.
Patience and Compassion: Finally, patience and compassion for both your husband and yourself are key. Quitting smoking is a journey, and it's important to celebrate small victories along the way.
It's a challenging situation, but with the right support and approach, it's possible for your husband to work towards quitting smoking and for both of you to work through the strain it's putting on your relationship. Read more

Jördi Gerry
Psychotherapist

Wetteren
Hello! First of all my apologies for this late answer, I never received a notification from the website.
About your husband's situation, smoking is a really difficult habit to quit, many people even go to therapy because of it. Behind an addiction there are emotional issues that must be worked, at certain point smoking is giving him what he might be needing (in a very short-time), like lowering his level of anxiety. For instance, this goes beyond avoid bothering you, his need is stronger. He might be struggling with trying to quit and make you feel respected, so you must stop thinking that this is about you. Tell him that this bother...s you but you have observed how hard this is for him, so talk about his emotions, about what worries him and ask him how you can help him. Read more

Rosangelica Arraiz Mujica
Psychologist

Brussels
Hello, smoking is an addiction and it is not easy to stop. Just stop alone can cause a lot relapses. A psychological help for addiction to smoking is recommended. Hypnoses also can be an option.

Giulia Giacomelli
Psychologist

Woluwe-Saint-Pierre
Dear Madam, an addiction is very difficult to stop with a snap of the fingers and even less if you put pressure on it. what meaning does it make for your husband to smoke? Is it to calm anxiety? I would suggest that you take a step back and find qualities in your husband, so that he has less pressure and perhaps he could consider reducing his smoking. a positive attitude helps much better than fixating on the problem. Carine Duray

Carine Duray-Parmentier
Psychotherapist

Namur